Thinking back about recent events, I realized that I have done stupid things and have hurt a lot of people. A word of sorry would never be enough since the hurt was already done. Strong anticipations leads to disappointment and setbacks.

We are humans and humans make mistakes after all. Sometimes I think I have the situation under control and I can manage the people. Sometimes I think I should make decisions for others so as to protect their emotions. But is that always the case? Will they like it if they know they're being manipulated? What if multiple people gets affected in one decision?

I know I am supposed to act in a way, but I just didn't manage it well. Worse, I am slow to think, and cannot act in the moment. This has greatly affected me as a person for a very long time. Yet, no matter how hard I try, I cannot correct this.

For someone who tries so hard, it sometimes is so difficult to forgive yourself. Can I blame it on my personality? Sometimes I think I am a walking emotionless zombie incapable of empathy. Am I really going to be destined to be a person like that forever? You can learn and try to apply it in your life. However, it never really becomes part of you. When you're tired, you bounce back.

I have always wanted to be a nice gentleman, I really do, but I end up either not doing things right, or doing inappropriate things that make people disappointed or sad. Would my friends accept me for who I am and forgive me for my mistakes? (and... would someone understand why I sometimes make bad decisions at the moment, and then regret later...? Would someone finally accept me for who I really am, a broken and weird person who only tries to be nice?)

These are such great regrets. 2015 brought so much set backs and realizations. Hopefully, the realizations and lessons stay with me. May I be a better, stronger and emotionally wise person in 2016.

Guang Zhou

Guang Zhou is said to be China's most tourist friendly city to visit, and this trip proves it to be true. However, it's not exactly English friendly, so if you can't read Chinese, you should get a guide. It is a city of delicious authentic Chinese food, night views and traditional Chinese shopping streets. Not so much on the sight-seeing however, This trip was inspired and planned in most parts by my almost sister-like friend. A trip inspired by roasted geese. Also a trip of realization.

19 December 2015, Clear, Lychee Bay > Chen Clan Academy > Beijing Road > Zhujiang

Arrived at Guang Zhou Baiyun Airport in the wee hours, so I had to 'willingly' get scammed by taxi to arrive at my rented place. Rested for 3 hours before meeting with Joyce. A happy reunion. Our first stop was Lychee Bay and a very famous yum cha restaurant with a long history in China: Pan Xi Restaurant, where we had super excellent dim sum with tea, a typical 'yum cha' style brunch. Dim sums were one of the best I have ever had, but according to Joyce, this is only just above average.

After being full, we walked around Lychee Bay park to look at old people do old people things... Fishing, water calligraphy, dancing, etc.

Next, we went to eat fish skin. Not my favourite food, but is one of her favourites. Next, we ate the Cantonese version of 'Hong Dou Bing'. I was surprised it came in a cup and was meant as a drink. Ours was topped with coconut ice-cream, which was a great compliment to the red bean drink. We had lunch at a Chinese restaurant which serves steam chicken. We ordered their chicken, plus some veggies. I still like the steam chicken of Singapore more. In the afternoon, we visited Chen Clan Academy. If you know the Chinese name, you would find that it is translated wrongly. This place was constructed with funds raised from many families with the family name of Chen. Over time, it became a repository for books, and hence its name. The roofs were all carved extremely intricately to the maximum detail. It was truly a spectacular sight.

Our next destination was Beijing Road, where we only walked past to take a look at ancient paths and roads that was preserved. We walked on to have dessert at a famous sweet soup restaurant. We ordered tang yuan since it Winter Solistice is coming. I ordered an additional almond pudding. They all taste awesome. The soup was sweet, but my tour guide was sweeter (only you'll read this!). In the evening, we walked around ZhuJiang New Town area and took a few shots of the modern city scenery of Guang Zhou.

After resting for a bit on a cup of Gong Cha, we went to take the Pearl River Night Cruise. When you are on top of the cruise, you get to see the CBD from a different perspective. I was enjoying every part of it, soaking up the night cruise atmosphere.

20 December 2015, Cloudy, Huang Pu Old Harbour > Shamian Island > TianHe

My tour guide was sleepy today. Perhaps visiting when she needs to work isn't that good an idea. We went to take a tram and walked to Huang Pu Old Harbour. The area around the harbour is less developed. Many make-shift shops were set up on the side of the road, selling stuff from vegetables to pets, fish, meat, etc. Our destination was a shop that sells good porridge. We ordered Lotus Root Cake and sweet potato leaves to go with the porridge. The porridge tastes really authentic, nothing like what I had before. We then went to the remains of the harbour and took some pictures. Next, we went to eat the ginger milk curd, known in Chinese as 'jiang zhuang nai'. The chemistry behind this dessert is interesting: when hot milk is added to the ginger juice, the milk curdles into a solid after about a minute. My best guess is that there must be an enzyme in the ginger that can denature the protein in the milk. This is the softest 'curd' style dessert I have ever ate in my life! We passed by a post shop and Joyce helped me to prepare post cards. You wish to escape from my mailing list. In the afternoon, we took a ferry to Shamian Island. We visited Sun Yat Sen University for a bit since the ferry only operate at half an hour interval. Shamian Island has a mystic aura around it. The island features old colonial style buildings and cafes. Joyce said this used to be her favourite place until it became so popular that it's so crowded now.

True enough, I can imagine it to be a quietly peaceful and charming place for coffee or tea when there's less people. So many couples take their wedding shots here. Nevertheless, we sat down in Lucy's Cafe for coffee, tea and chips. Dinner was at Wu Xi Hong Kong Restaurant in TianHe district. This is the place where I tried goose meat for the first time (I think). It really tastes like duck, but with an extra flavour to it. Really yummy. The restaurant's polo bun was also way better than the one I had in Hong Kong. After dinner, we went for a shot window shopping before going back because TianHe is a shopping district. With a tinge of sadness, we parted ways again. Hate the feeling of good byes. Felt that this was the end of the good part of the trip.

21 December 2015, Rain/Cloudy, Guang Zhou various areas.

Without my tour guide, and with my luggage, I travelled to many places around Guang Zhou like a lost sheep (my typical solo travel day, a day of spiritual relaxation). Total mileage today was 13 km. My first destination was decided spontaneously: Dong Hu. This destination was chosen because one of my friends recommended it, and because the weather isn't suitable for Baiyun Mountain. Dong Hu makes a place for a good stress release, only I was like the youngest person there...

Being adventurous, I tried to walk all the way from Dong Hu to BeiJing Road. This walk is really crazy and long. I walked past some of the less developed areas of Guang Zhou, which was also a sight. Ate at a Chao Zhou noodle restaurant near BeiJing Road, which is decent. I then find a shop that sells Guang Zhou made snacks. This will be the souvenirs for my colleagues and family. I then decided to travel to Shang Xia Jiu (Up Down 9 Street) to have a look at the place. Before reaching the place, I passed by cultural garden, where there were cartoons on display.

Shang Xia Jiu turned out it looks remarkably similar in style to BeiJing Road, except with a little difference in flavour, due to the shop signs and building designs. Deposited my post cards here, and got more snacks. At this moment in time, I was lost for places to go. I decided to go to Bai Yun Garden Station to take a look. This expedition paid off, because the garden that is next to the station was made into a Children's Garden. I entered as a tourist and observed many mums and dads and their children play in the complex. This place also featured traditional Chinese style architecture, which till today, I find it strangely beautiful and appealing. I like the Chinese style concrete bridge spanning over the lake, just like what a Chinese poem paints.

After a short rest, I decided to walk over to Lantian Road. Just because of the road name, and the affiliation to a little joke that me and Joyce has. Turns out I can't even take a picture of the road name because there was no road sign for it. Disappointment. In the evening, I decided to go to HuiFu East Road. On the way there, I passed by People's Park, so I decided to enter. Many old folks are gambling in the area. Pictures turned out bad since it's night time. After I walk to HuiFu East Road, I realized that this road connects itself to BeiJing road, so I found myself back in BeiJing road! Should have stared at google maps more often before actually flying here like a lost lamb! At least at night, the ancient street was lighted, allowing me to take this.

After having dumplings for dinner, I decided to head to the airport early for my flight back. On the way back, I walked past XiHu Road and saw a beautiful palace, though I don't know what it is!

I hope I won't miss Guang Zhou too much.

Batam, A Short Getaway

This trip was planned solely by me, but the presence of my dad made everything a whole lot easier. Kudos to him for picking up Indon after working there. Being able to communicate with the locals really helped us get the best deals and getting to places! Resort lifestyle by the beach refreshes both the mind and spirit. In this trip, we enjoyed fresh local seafood and I got to enjoy exhilarating sea sports. Mosquitoes annoyed us throughout the trip. Nonetheless, another trip succeeded!

7 December 2015, Sunny, Singapore > Batam Turi Beach Resort
We woke up early in the morning to travel to Batam. Things dragged a bit because I am travelling with my mum! Moreover, I forgot to bring our Groupon tickets, so we had to go back home, then cab to Tanah Merah Ferry Terminal. The ferry ride gave us a headache. Note: Sitting on the lower deck will prevent this problem. We arrived at Turi after a short bus ride, then ate at the only restaurant available before checking in. I decided to test the pool in the resort. It is quite dirty! In the end, I did some suntanning. Late in the evening, I went to the gazebo by the sea. We then ate our steamboat dinner and retired for the night.

8 December 2015, Sunny, Turi > Nagoya Hill Shopping Centre >Turi 

We consumed our free breakfast in the resort. It was reasonable. We then took a taxi and went all the way to Nagoya Hill Shopping Centre. We then did a lot of shopping. I bought a set of clothes. Too bad no shoes caught my attention. Had our lunch in this restaurant called ZA Cafe. The Ayam Penyet that I had only cost $1.20 in Singapore dollars, and it tasted nice! After lunch, I went to try the arcade. Since smoking is allowed, the entire arcade is full of cigarette smoke. I only played a few rhythm games before leaving. Really cannot stand the smoke and poor ventilation although the arcade is really cheap. A token costs 10 cents! After that, I found another arcade by the cinema where smoking is not allowed. Spent a long part of my afternoon playing Time Crisis 4 there since one credit only costs 37 cents. Really enjoyed the arcade session, played till my heart's content! Dinner was at Reseki Seafood Restaurant, one of the recommendations by TripAdvisor. The seafood here is really fresh since all of them are live. My dad commented that their cooking skills are actually not that good, but I am contented. We had a large variety of seafood: Indonesian crab, groupers, gong-gong, small prawn, scallop and crayfish! This meal costed us a million dollars! (in rupiah)

9 December 2015, Sunny, Turi Beach Resort > Singapore

Today is the day where I did sea sports. I finally got the chance to try para-sailing, and at a reasonable price. After being all harnessed, the instructor counted down from 3, then I ran towards the sea and jumped. I was immediately lifted off the ground and ascended together with the kite. It was simply exhilarating. The view of the resort when you're up in the air is just different. Staring down, you can see your own shadow cruising over the sea at great speeds. The landing is a bit stupid however, just land into the water and get fetched back on a jet-ski. I then rode around the area on my rented jet-ski. After fumbling around with the balance, I finally got used to the machine. In no time, I start to speed around the waters at max throttle. This particular jet-ski was faster than the one that I tried in Gold Coast. Every max speed I achieved is a lot of adrenaline released. I then did some standing-speeding in the sea haha! The feeling is just great! Makes me forget all my troubles and woes temporarily. After a small lunch of fish and chips, we took the ferry back to Singapore.

Till the next trip, which actually isn't so far away from this one.

Time and time again, it has been proven right that the people around you will be friends with you when you are nice to them and when you serve a purpose. When they no longer need you, the distance just drifts apart. It is not their fault, as they might not even realize it themselves. I might even be guilty of this myself...

My aunt once told me this is the way of life. You meet different friends at different stages of your life. You cannot prevent this from happening. How do I comfort myself? Friends who are meant to be with you will stay with you. Those that won't stay, would not. Let the past be the past. Focus on those currently around you. Those that need you now. Be prepared to face them leave you one day, however. It takes two hands to clap, just like in any form of relationship. You can care a lot for others, but if they don't, you just can't force them. Note to self: it is not their fault.

I have many friends around me, but yet, I feel more lonely than ever before...

I am broken, I am weird, strange and different from others, or so this is what I picked up from other 'normal's. I am freak whose mind operates differently from others. It is difficult to get into my wavelength. Should it be a matter?

I am different from you, I am unique. I am true to myself. Love me and hate me the way I am. I do not need to change myself and blend into the crowd to become 'normal'. I do not need to do what everyone is doing. No social conformism is necessary at all. I am unique. I can do things differently. I surprise.

I am broken, but I am still whole. That is why I never needed to find 'another half'. The world is mine to explore, to face. To pursue and excel with the strength that comes from within me. I am my own supportive pillar of strength.

Hong Kong
This trip was made possible by the opportunity to attend the a summer workshop in the Chinese University of Hong Kong. I extended the trip myself so that I could explore Hong Kong 'semi-solo'. Being a developed city, Hong Kong is an excellent place to travel alone. Itinerary was planned by yours truly and modified for my new friends. It turned out to be a trip complete with academics, food, shopping, culture, sights and nature trails. Was also a trip where I took my new sony a5100 camera to see the world outside Singapore... literally.

13 July, Cloudy, Singapore > Hong Kong, Chinese University of Hong Kong
Went to Changi Airport and left without anyone sending me in. It indeed turned out to be a true solo trip. Flight was delayed by 40 minutes thanks to a miscommunication... Sometimes I wonder if I should continue to take budget airline. Spent the flight reading from my kindle. I am pretty thankful to have such a nice travel companion haha! After I landed in Hong Kong, the first thing that struck me was their customer service attitude. It was not impressive at all. It also didn't help that I do not understand Cantonese and hence could not interact with the locals with a more close manner. It just felt distant. Dinner was macs, since everything in the airport was expensive. After buying all necessary things, I took MTR to University Station. A senior student showed me to my room. The second thing that hit me was the punishing summer heat with high humidity. It IS worse compared to Singapore. I heard it is even worse elsewhere, so I guess I should be thankful. I have a roommate! The place that I stay in boasts a pretty view across the river. Pretty pleasant accommodation considering it's free.

14 July, Cloudy, Chinese University of Hong Kong
Today was the first day of the summer workshop. We had to find our own food for 3 meals, so we relied on local students to show us the way. The living expenses in Hong Kong is actually pretty high. Getting around to the place for breakfast is also horrible. The campus is pretty, but it is located on a mountain! We had to climb crazily high flights of stairs to reach places. To think Kent Ridge was bad... This is 5x worse, no exaggeration. The workshop started proper, it was the usual administrative stuff. For lunch, some of the faculty members ate together with us. It is very personal and we really have many chances to interact with them. I had the chance to talk to Prof. Amos Tai and found out more about his research focus areas. The afternoon was spent on research seminars, followed by tours to a Climate Change museum, and a tour around campus. It was a pity that I did not bring my camera for the tours. We then had an awesome welcome dinner. In all, within the first day, I realize that I do not want to stay here for a 4 year PhD.

15 July, Cloudy, Chinese University of Hong Kong, Sha Tin
For the poster presentation, I realized that most people are not going to dress formally. The poster presentation went well. In a short span of 2 hours, I began to talk to many people and made many friends, as well as make the Profs there like me. The night was spent at Sha Tin New Town Plaza, where we did some shopping.

16 July, Rain, Chinese University of Hong Kong, City University of Hong Kong, various
Today was marked with nervousness and excitement. After the interview which went pretty well. I think I would get the PhD position if I were to apply for CUHK again this year, but as I said, I have my doubts now. In the afternoon, I travelled to City U to talk to a researcher for a while. We then came back in time for a farewell party for the workshop. After that, some of our local friends bring us to Hong Kong's city centre for a fast night trip to various places. We went to Kowloon public pier and have a quick view of the Hong Kong light show at 8 PM. We then split group and we took a ferry to Wan Chai and explored Hong Kong island a little bit. I tried my hands on 'trailing car light' photography here. Many of my China friends really like this picture.

We then took the MTR back to Tsim Sha Tsui to do some cosmetic shopping (the girls). Apparently, Sasa is a popular brand in China and they really bought a lot. We reunited with a group that split up. We then took the MTR to Mongkok and the hunt for street food began. After walking for sooo long tonight, we decided we were tired and went back to the university, only reaching home at about 12 midnight. After a little washing up, our gang decided to all gather in my room and we played the chinese version of polarbear/mafia/killer. It is so interesting to find this game narrated in Chinese.

17 July, Sunny, Chinese University of Hong Kong > Tsim Sha Tsui, The Peak
We just kept on playing till 3:30 AM. After checking out, we begin to say goodbye. Friendships were forged in a short span of 4 days, and some people actually were moved to tears when saying goodbye...

After asking around for people to travel Hong Kong with, I managed to convince and brought 2 girls with me so that they could deposit their luggage in my room before we went out to explore urban Hong Kong together.

The urban landscape just reminds me of Singapore... somewhat. We took the tram up to The Peak to explore the Wax Museum and the Victoria Peak garden. The queue for the tram is just crazy. We first explored the Wax Museum, where we took a LOT of pictures. I must say, the figurines are really really life-like. Among many singers, movie stars, cartoons and political figures, I also found our founding father Lee Kuan Yew. After the museum, we decided to do a little hiking up to Victoria Peak garden.

The view wasn't extremely amazing, but it was still cool to get up there. Dinner was at a random noodle place near Tsim Sha Tsui. I then had to say goodbye to the 2 girls who were going to ShenZhen, and continue the rest of the journey alone. I decided to have an early night so that I can go to many places the next day.

18 July, Sunny, Tsim Sha Tsui > Shek O > Sheung Wan > Tsim Sha Tsui
I woke up early and went to visit the Avenue of Stars, where stars have made their hand imprints. Nothing much, except it is the day view of Hong Kong CBD. I then went to One Dim Sum to try the dim sum. I over-ordered because there was so many different types I want to try, but each comes in large servings. Boo-hoo to food wastage. Recommended to come as a group. Their milk custard bun was really unique and delicious! The har kow and siew mai has prawns that are a little tougher than the Singapore's version, but very yummy nonetheless. I had to stuff myself because the next up the itinerary was a hiking trip! Took public transport to Shek O, where I began the trek. I did a near full circle there by going down the hill to Tung Ah village and continued towards Ngan Hang village, where there's a little beach. Then, from ground zero, I began the ascend up to Shek O road again, and then further up on Dragon's Back trail. The ascend was crazy. Climbing in the summer heat made me sweat buckets and develop headaches. I brought a lot of water, which I thought was in excess, but in the end, it was just enough. The total ascend was actually only 284 m. The view was totally worth the effort.

The descend was a little hike through the growth. It was also beautiful. Imagine walking on a sand path with tree branches forming a tunnel over you. This extended for about 2 km or so. The next destination was po-lo buns. I made my way to Mongkok after a quick wash up, and to my dismay, the shop was out of the buns! In the end, I ate noodles and dumplings at a place known for their dumplings and found another restaurant that also sell po-lo buns. To be honest, these buns are just a hype. Other than having a crispy top layer, there's nothing that tastes pineapple-y. (I am stupid and should have known. Why do I stay at home so much!)

19th July, Sunny, Tsim Sha Tsui > Singapore
I still had to document this day because... 1) Hong Kong airport is so complicated. I have to take a train from the main airport area to the customs office, and then another bus to the gates to board the plane. I initially thought I was very early, but all the time was wasted taking these trains and buses. Not very good a design for an airport. I wonder why it was ranked among the nice airports, many other airports are pretty good as well. 2) I was so lucky and I was assigned seat 1F on an A320! This is my favourite seat in the entire plane (and 1A, since they're essentially the same)! Oh, I just have to mention this.

Hence, this marks the end of my 7 day trip in Hong Kong. A trip that helped me in the decision making process of choosing Hong Kong for PhD. Friendships were forged (including friends with Profs), sights were seen, food was ate :p. All in all, a trip really worth it in terms of time and money spent. On a final note, don't come to Hong Kong in summer if you don't like the heat.

Graduation

As I always say, graduation is the start of a new phase of life. It is only the beginning where people truly live and start to prove their worth in the society. Congratulations to all from NUS Graduates of 2015. It is time to unleash your powers for real.

During the commencement ceremony, I was thrown the question of why I didn't win any awards. True enough, I was a little disappointed that my academic results were not recognized. However, I chose to think that awards don't define who you are and your greatness. True greatness and your personal core values do not need the validation with awards. You yourself understand your own worth. 

I will be going to Hong Kong for PhD interview and applying to re-enter ANU as a graduate research student. Hopefully, either one of these universities would give me the opportunity to shine in my next phase.

Till the next greatness.

Birthday 2015
This year's birthday is definitely not as memorable and awesome as compared to last years, but it is definitely still memorable as I step into quarter life. Surprises came in the later part of the day. Clashing with Fathers' Day, it makes for a larger combined celebration with my extended family.

Happenings
Been troubled with my mum's behaviour and rules recently and it destroyed a lot of my plans. I had to give up buying myself a kindle at a discounted price. I couldn't drink my Melbourne Breakfast tea that my friend gave me. I almost couldn't go to my grandmother's place today for a slightly bigger celebration. I don't blame her because she is just like that, but I just can't help it but still be angry at her. She did try to make it up for me by buying a surprise birthday cake for me, which I am grateful.
In the end, I managed to get her to my grandmother's place. In the afternoon, I was taught how to cook claypot rice, which turned out to be really tasty. See, this is a picture of my claypot rice.

I celebrated my birthday with a cake in the evening, and even went out to eat crabs, which I have been wanting to for a while already.
Learning Lessons and Thoughts
Everyone is entitled to their own time to be 'busy' with things and you can't demand their attention. Prioritize your attention to those who are willing to give it for you even despite their busy schedule. Don't expect much things to happen and sometimes you'll meet with a pleasant surprise!


Wishes
All the years before, I have always wished for myself to be a high achiever and be successful in whatever I want to achieve. I guess I usually do get these wishes. This year, I shall wish for something different.

Singapore
This is kind of a trip around my own country, only made to happen because my very close friend from Australia came over for transit. It was a challenge to come up with an itinerary for travelling in wee hours, but we made it happen. Didn't follow exactly to plan, but that was also part of the excitement. It turned out to be an amazing and unforgettable night indeed.

18 June 2015, Clear
After meeting her from the airport, we quickly deposited her luggage and took a bus to our first stop, 328 Katong Laksa, the most original place to get laksa. As it was already night time, the soup was less thick and was diluted (to my dismay). The otah was sub-standard. However, we were still happy overall.

Our next stop was to go eat durians at Geylang, but we stopped by another shop at Lorong 9 because I found two dishes that I want to let her try. They are oyster omelette and BBQ stingray. I am really glad we made this extra stop, because the food here is amazingly nice! I really love the chilli on the BBQ stingray (much nicer than it looks)!

Next, we just walked down Geylang road to find a durian seller. We just settled for the shop with the brightest lights... We went for the mid-level priced 猫山王, and bought a large one. The durian was excellent! Succulent meat, sweet and strong flavour, and the seeds are small so we are really getting our money worth. In fact, it was a little too much and we were very full after that.

19 June 2015, Clear

After being very satisfied by Singapore food, we slowly strolled to East Coast Park past midnight and just walked along the park. We found a spot near the water and rested there. The southwestern monsoon winds were just beginning to blow, the waves were crashing, all in all a very relaxing environment. We just sat there, de-stressed for a bit and I started to ask her to teach me some yoga haha. We then noticed the sky was very clear and we could actually see a lot of stars. It was a lovely sight.

We then exited the park and took a cab to Bedok 85 Food Centre. Since we were still very full from the durian, we just settled for lime juice (to ease the queasy feeling from too much durians) and skipped the Bak Chor Mee.

We then cabbed back to the airport. Not long after the fun started, it is time to bid farewell again. However, we both know we definitely will go on trips together again in the future. We make it happen. Through our conversations, I really start to begin to realize how lucky and blessed to have went to ANU for exchange and met her. Someone who really cares and tries to make my life more positive. Positive changes and mutual motivation for each other. What a strong bond we share. This night shall be etched in our minds for a long time. Till next time.

Last night, I could not sleep because I was so excited about my new laptop. Sleepless nights made me think more. However, last night, the thoughts were a little different.

So what if I kept thinking and finally found the answer that I want. Does it really help me? Could I even do something about it even if I think and really found out? Maybe I should not need to find out about the answers because I would not be able to do anything about it. Things will just happen. Let chance decide. You just do what you can.

I am going to make changes to the roles some people play in my life.

Emptiness

Hence, the four years of my university life culminated yesterday with me receiving my very last set of results. I am graduating with first class honours in Environmental Engineering. Just the perfect university results you can wish for. However, it still feels empty, why? Results mean nothing. School grades does not measure how intelligent you are at all. It doesn't mean that you will get far and achieve what you want. It doesn't mean you will be happy when you receive it. It at most grants you a very good starting pay, and then that's it.

Good grades does not mean that you will get into a good graduate school that you desire. Good grades does not guarantee you a scholarship or fellowship programme that pays you to do research work with the organization. It is only a small bit of the criteria. A small prove that you might mean something.

Perhaps the greater takeaway in the four years would be relationships that you build with the people that you have met in your education pursuits. People that made me open up and talk more. They have been there with you and went through hardship together with you. These are more meaningful. In fact, I am willing to trade my first class honours in exchange for being able to know someone who truly cares about me, a true soul mate. Too bad I didn't spend more time finding.

In the end, yes, you did get good grades. Be glad not because of the good grades, but because you did learn something useful.

Concern

Many a times, you care about other people but they do not appreciate. That is okay, because the other person simply doesn't need your concern, or that they are too engrossed in the moment, being themselves and not understanding your concern. At the end, as long as they are okay (even if for the short term), it is fine.

It is okay to be taken for granted, because you can choose. Take your concern, and show it to people who deserve you more.

Life Goals

It is so depressing to keep getting your applications rejected, even from your own school. If an institution doesn't realize your potential, move on to somewhere else, and make that place even greater. Finally a small good news: I was chosen to attend a workshop in Chinese University of Hong Kong. Understanding climate change, one small step nearer. I hope this would turn out well.

Random Feeling

Sometimes I feel lonely.

I have dreams, goals, achievements. I have fulfilled all obligations to graduate. I have projects to work on and get paid. I am applying for graduate school so as to go closer to accomplish my dream. I have a wide circle of friends, from different countries and ethic backgrounds.

It would seem that everything is complete. I know I should be grateful for all I have. However, I still feel lonely at times. What is missing?

Perhaps there is no answer. I am not missing anything. Nothing belongs to me. The emptiness feeling comes from the thinking that you own something, but in actual fact, you don't. For my future plan of travelling the world... it's back to doing it alone.

Someday, thinking will get the better of me I and I might just lose it.

The future can really be unexpected. It can surprise you if you expect less of it.

Many of my opinions of the opposite gender was only formed when I started to really talk to them and get more true understanding. It really is hurting that some opinions can be destroyed so brutally. I could comfort myself by telling myself that it has only been what... 3 years since I came out of my hiding hole and really start to talk to them, but this would just end up being an excuse for the lack of understanding, or even the individual person.

It takes so much courage to step out of this understanding. I will do better than before.

Another thing that was puzzling was why the sudden change of plan. First thought was that I upset her really much, and she decided to go back home earlier to forget the troubles. But then again, she could have still came to Singapore and travel around with her cousin brother, or even alone, because she really is AFTER the food and it is something that she really look forward to. This means that I really destroyed everything for her. It must really been bad for anyone who starts to think they have to control how close to being a friend, why do I only get it now that this should not have been the case? I am really sorry that I made this happen. Disappointment, pity. I really really miss seeing you in person, and secretly still wish you to come. But if she is doing it for her own good, then, that's all I needed to know.

I feel that at this point, I need to make clear that the feelings I share with her is that of a close friend. However, it is different from other male close friends. It is also not a relationship, if anyone is confused. There is a difference. This is an adaptation, I admit, after failing in real relationships so many times, I actually gave up on romantic relationships.

Still, it really is a great disappointment for me. I compromised my graduation trip plan because she said she doesn't have time to take me around Hong Kong and China. We gave that up so that she can have enough time to spend with her extended family, and decided that she come to Singapore in this short time she has. Now she is not even coming to Singapore. A 'graduation trip plan' is totally reduced to nothing. Only have myself to blame for being such a nasty person, and at the wrong time. Not only did I hurt myself, I also hurt other people.

I wonder then... how much should I give in to my closest of friends so that I could become really close with then but still not hurt myself. Because when I made a close friend, I am all in, nothing stops me from giving. I won't give up, and this close friendship is forever, I will forever remain true... until the unfortunate day it slowly dies away. Or I could work on just giving, that's more suiting of me. Work less on the gratitude part. This thinking would bug me forever, STOP.

Please don't abuse me.

I need to accept myself for who I am, and move on. Pains of the over-thinking altruistic.

We have been thinking too much. In the end, thoughts and reason is not the main thing.

We quarrel because we still care, want to convince, and know that it is more than that Understanding each other more. But in the end, it is still about feelings, about there to support each other so that each other feels right and becomes better.

You really know a lot, and are still teaching me, in a hard way that I brought upon myself, shocking me into realization. I learnt more from you than any other person because of who you are. You are important to me, I can't emphasize more. Then, I suddenly also realize that you have went through a lot, and must have been hurt pretty bad as well in the past. We become friends not just because we fit some 'criteria'. In the end, it is just the feeling of being friends. Working on a way so that we don't have to deal with this again. Acceptance. Unless a person displays a trait that the other totally cannot stand.

Understand that you need time to recover too, so I'll wait in the cycle of thinking and reflecting. You will never need to face the world alone. You never had to, unless you choose to.

More thoughts...

I am slow and actually not smart all all, taking a long time to digest, but this doesn't mean I will stop improve myself. I will have to focus on others... see the world and the perspective of others based on their views and understanding. Never be angry for self-serving reasons. It's always about others.

I am thankful, because you told me all those things, showing that you still care about our friendship. Please continue to teach me to become a better person, so that we can become better rounded.

Things that I say when I am angry could also be things that I say just to reason and make myself feel better at the face of losing a precious friend. This is really wrong and I should not do it again. But you have to trust me that I don't mean them, really.

Then, can we put the blame to anger... or that I failed to navigate my emotions well? Still in the cycle of improvement.

Recent events made me think a lot again...

9. Remember the time when I decided to give up on a friend? She came back two days later sharing her problems with me, and I just let my feelings take over me and went to console her again... and we got back together... becoming very very close friends again and re-bounced even closer than before. 'We can get closer and closer, but never too close'.

It didn't last. We quarreled again over the issue of platonic relationships because I am scared of being too close with her. Yes, I am scared and I threw the blame to her, I am wrong... but why? I could blame my past... but this means that I never have learnt from the past, being the old stubborn me again. She thinks platonic relationships is true. Girls can have platonic relationships, guys usually don't. Different genders operate differently. Such a differing opinion can cause one to argue more and find other reasons to unfriend each other. It does sound absurd, because, in the end, all these things doesn't even matter. It is the feelings that you get when people are friends together.

I know somewhere, that, there is this secret thing, something that bonds us together very well. Is it the mutual 'positive aura of influence' or the 'buff' that we give each other in each other's company? I lost this positive influence for a while now, and I do feel less motivated. I couldn't really identify this secret thing, but, it has kept us together no matter how hard I push her away.  I am trusting that this special elastic band is going to do its job again. I trust it.

This person is truly special and different from the others, and I see the strengths in her that few would. She is emotionless (quite) and applies reason and rationality to things as well, just like me... Her capacity for reason and explanation could even surpass mine in many aspects. She could make me understand more things that I have been unable to. Even if she doesn't play a big role in my life, it still feels more right to be her friend. Empathy. People say I care too much about people and is too selfless. I rebutt them saying that they don't understand me well enough.

Emotions carry a lot of useful information. It is up to you to recognize your own pattern, navigate it, and use this information effectively to achieve a positive outcome. -6seconds.org-

This post has been dedicated to you...

Today, I stopped being close to a friend whom I always thought of as a close friend. Although bitter, it is probably for the greater good. I hope this other person handles it well. It is only a matter of incompatibility which I did not realize due to lack of time. It only lasted a year.
Actions speak louder than words. When words are spoken, make sure they convert into action. A pity most of the people do not practice this. With an INTJ close friend, you only have one 'life'. Once the INTJ decides there's no more hope in continuing being a close friend, all is over. As for a note to self: be careful with the people whom you can relate to and be closer friends with, and learn to take people's words less seriously: they probably just say it to make people happy at the moment and won't put it into action anyway.

Single Awareness Day 2015
Happy Valentines' Day to all the happy couples out there. It has been so many years, and every day today, I show up a positive front, hiding all the bitterness within. These kind of feelings should not even been felt if I know that my future plans would not allow me to have a life-partner. Why the bitterness and loneliness.

I know that I have been always too nice to others. I have decided it is time to change that. It doesn't pay to be nice to others. In the end, you will still be lonely, nobody will give you attention and care about you, in fact, you'll be repeatedly helping others and being taken advantaged of. To put it to action, I have written some sentences to myself as a reminder.

Fight for your own rights instead of compromising for others.

You don’t need people to validate that you are nice.

Make them think what’s wrong with them, because you are not wrong.
Do what is right, not do what that makes people happy.

I even brought this out into practice and I made someone angry at me. She forgot about the birthday present she has been looking forward to in the past month. Forgetting this means that she does not really care about it at all. It made me disappointed and upset. I wanted to make her realize this, and make sure she doesn't do this to her other friends. She doesn't want to listen and she feels horrible. Till now, she still is confused and has not figured out what is wrong. I ruined it totally. I feel guilty and worry about her. But, I cannot give way this time. It could be the end of our friendship, but I shall risk it. It is toxic to think about who benefits more, but clearly, she will lose a lot more if we do not talk to each other again. I gain nothing much from her at all. I guess it is fine for me to forget it and move on since I lose nothing other than company. Come to think of it, our friendship is only less than a year.

In a very timely advise I saw from Positive Outlooks blog, I saw the quote: Stop trying to change someone who doesn’t want to change. Stop giving chances to someone who abuses your forgiveness. Stop walking back to the place where your heart ran from. Stop trusting their words and ignoring their actions. Stop breaking your own heart. 

Leadership

With me taking a course on EQ and leadership, I have been getting myself very stressed. Expectations for self are always high, and you always end up not achieving them. It always makes me sad to realize how bad I am dealing with other people. This module has troubled me so much and keeps getting me to think. I hope I really would learn to become better after all of this stress.