Someday, thinking will get the better of me I and I might just lose it.

The future can really be unexpected. It can surprise you if you expect less of it.

Many of my opinions of the opposite gender was only formed when I started to really talk to them and get more true understanding. It really is hurting that some opinions can be destroyed so brutally. I could comfort myself by telling myself that it has only been what... 3 years since I came out of my hiding hole and really start to talk to them, but this would just end up being an excuse for the lack of understanding, or even the individual person.

It takes so much courage to step out of this understanding. I will do better than before.

Another thing that was puzzling was why the sudden change of plan. First thought was that I upset her really much, and she decided to go back home earlier to forget the troubles. But then again, she could have still came to Singapore and travel around with her cousin brother, or even alone, because she really is AFTER the food and it is something that she really look forward to. This means that I really destroyed everything for her. It must really been bad for anyone who starts to think they have to control how close to being a friend, why do I only get it now that this should not have been the case? I am really sorry that I made this happen. Disappointment, pity. I really really miss seeing you in person, and secretly still wish you to come. But if she is doing it for her own good, then, that's all I needed to know.

I feel that at this point, I need to make clear that the feelings I share with her is that of a close friend. However, it is different from other male close friends. It is also not a relationship, if anyone is confused. There is a difference. This is an adaptation, I admit, after failing in real relationships so many times, I actually gave up on romantic relationships.

Still, it really is a great disappointment for me. I compromised my graduation trip plan because she said she doesn't have time to take me around Hong Kong and China. We gave that up so that she can have enough time to spend with her extended family, and decided that she come to Singapore in this short time she has. Now she is not even coming to Singapore. A 'graduation trip plan' is totally reduced to nothing. Only have myself to blame for being such a nasty person, and at the wrong time. Not only did I hurt myself, I also hurt other people.

I wonder then... how much should I give in to my closest of friends so that I could become really close with then but still not hurt myself. Because when I made a close friend, I am all in, nothing stops me from giving. I won't give up, and this close friendship is forever, I will forever remain true... until the unfortunate day it slowly dies away. Or I could work on just giving, that's more suiting of me. Work less on the gratitude part. This thinking would bug me forever, STOP.

Please don't abuse me.

I need to accept myself for who I am, and move on. Pains of the over-thinking altruistic.