The only place I can scream and not get heard.

Right, I try to be the best, kindest guild leader there ever can be, but mayb e I'm just a bad person. I've played flyff for so long, I had faced problems my members will face. Why didn't I learn from the mistakes of my old guildmates and prevent myself from making mistakes causing hurt to my guildmates? Maybe, I'm just not up to it.

So Guild Leaders are supposed to take care for all their guildmates and not to be cared for by anyone. Blame it on myself for being the longest player of flyff in the guild, and being the guild leader. Now I got myself a daunting task. I had always knew that managing a guild is not easy, especially guilds that are neither noob or pro, but in between, such as our guild.

If those emo people say that they appear hard on the outside, but soft inside their hearts, I'm a totally emo crap person. A guy's way of speech, but a girl's heart and thoughts. It's either I'm really like this or I'm just a very sick and perverse person.

When I meet wihth such conflicts, I will always bring myself to look on d3y/dx3 mode, that is, look at the overview and make a judgement based on everyone's viewpoint. I tend to blame myseelf for conflicts, as it takes two to create a conflict, and I'm one of them. I've been brought up to think like this.

That night, I told him: "I hate you, all you know is show off." I said this because I understand that showing off pisses one off. I don't want him to piss anyone else off. That is the reason why I don't show off anymore. Or maybe it is because I have made him feel upset many times the past few days already.

Just after I got my blue name, I didn't call on anyone to show off/compare shades, or whatsoever. But he did, and that somehow got onto my nerve, so I decided not to see him. He got pissed and said that his presence and contributions are not felt. If this was true, he would be a rookie/supporter and not a Kingpin. I actually taught him a lot of stuff and made him what he is in flyff today (He did the later developments himself), but now he says he is a nobody. My guildmate went to comfort him, and not me, because he seems more emotionally unstable than I was, or maybe because I'm in the wrong. I don't resort to saying stuff like "Okay, so I'm a wooden block, a leecher in the guild, my contributions were nothing, etc" because I really thought they were childish and does not help the situation. But my guildmate actually went to comfort him!!! I could have done a lot of silly things, but I controlled myself. So, you people are right, I'm in the wrong. As the Guild Leader, a 17 year old, brought up in a weird family, I should have tried to prevent stuff like this which have happened to me, and hurt me, so that other people do not have to face what I have faced, and not get hurt. I guess I'm not sure mature after all, because I want actions that I think is mature to be known.

Now I understand. Adults are really difficult to be. They absorb all the feelings of anger, sadness, feeling of being wronged, guilt, and more, and can still act as if they are alright. That should be the right kind of person I shall be, from now on, die to my position in the guild. I have to be the most understanding, thoughtful, caring, helpful guild leader and to expect nothing in return, the perfect guild leader, in the perfect guild where my members wishes to be in. I came a long way, I will not give up on my guild. I founded it and will continue to love it and the people in it, make it rise.

A guild where everyone's presence is felt, requires the help of everyone.

Right, I have destressed, time to go to flyff and patch things up.

Flyff Special Report