Random Feeling

Sometimes I feel lonely.

I have dreams, goals, achievements. I have fulfilled all obligations to graduate. I have projects to work on and get paid. I am applying for graduate school so as to go closer to accomplish my dream. I have a wide circle of friends, from different countries and ethic backgrounds.

It would seem that everything is complete. I know I should be grateful for all I have. However, I still feel lonely at times. What is missing?

Perhaps there is no answer. I am not missing anything. Nothing belongs to me. The emptiness feeling comes from the thinking that you own something, but in actual fact, you don't. For my future plan of travelling the world... it's back to doing it alone.

Someday, thinking will get the better of me I and I might just lose it.

The future can really be unexpected. It can surprise you if you expect less of it.

Many of my opinions of the opposite gender was only formed when I started to really talk to them and get more true understanding. It really is hurting that some opinions can be destroyed so brutally. I could comfort myself by telling myself that it has only been what... 3 years since I came out of my hiding hole and really start to talk to them, but this would just end up being an excuse for the lack of understanding, or even the individual person.

It takes so much courage to step out of this understanding. I will do better than before.

Another thing that was puzzling was why the sudden change of plan. First thought was that I upset her really much, and she decided to go back home earlier to forget the troubles. But then again, she could have still came to Singapore and travel around with her cousin brother, or even alone, because she really is AFTER the food and it is something that she really look forward to. This means that I really destroyed everything for her. It must really been bad for anyone who starts to think they have to control how close to being a friend, why do I only get it now that this should not have been the case? I am really sorry that I made this happen. Disappointment, pity. I really really miss seeing you in person, and secretly still wish you to come. But if she is doing it for her own good, then, that's all I needed to know.

I feel that at this point, I need to make clear that the feelings I share with her is that of a close friend. However, it is different from other male close friends. It is also not a relationship, if anyone is confused. There is a difference. This is an adaptation, I admit, after failing in real relationships so many times, I actually gave up on romantic relationships.

Still, it really is a great disappointment for me. I compromised my graduation trip plan because she said she doesn't have time to take me around Hong Kong and China. We gave that up so that she can have enough time to spend with her extended family, and decided that she come to Singapore in this short time she has. Now she is not even coming to Singapore. A 'graduation trip plan' is totally reduced to nothing. Only have myself to blame for being such a nasty person, and at the wrong time. Not only did I hurt myself, I also hurt other people.

I wonder then... how much should I give in to my closest of friends so that I could become really close with then but still not hurt myself. Because when I made a close friend, I am all in, nothing stops me from giving. I won't give up, and this close friendship is forever, I will forever remain true... until the unfortunate day it slowly dies away. Or I could work on just giving, that's more suiting of me. Work less on the gratitude part. This thinking would bug me forever, STOP.

Please don't abuse me.

I need to accept myself for who I am, and move on. Pains of the over-thinking altruistic.

We have been thinking too much. In the end, thoughts and reason is not the main thing.

We quarrel because we still care, want to convince, and know that it is more than that Understanding each other more. But in the end, it is still about feelings, about there to support each other so that each other feels right and becomes better.

You really know a lot, and are still teaching me, in a hard way that I brought upon myself, shocking me into realization. I learnt more from you than any other person because of who you are. You are important to me, I can't emphasize more. Then, I suddenly also realize that you have went through a lot, and must have been hurt pretty bad as well in the past. We become friends not just because we fit some 'criteria'. In the end, it is just the feeling of being friends. Working on a way so that we don't have to deal with this again. Acceptance. Unless a person displays a trait that the other totally cannot stand.

Understand that you need time to recover too, so I'll wait in the cycle of thinking and reflecting. You will never need to face the world alone. You never had to, unless you choose to.

More thoughts...

I am slow and actually not smart all all, taking a long time to digest, but this doesn't mean I will stop improve myself. I will have to focus on others... see the world and the perspective of others based on their views and understanding. Never be angry for self-serving reasons. It's always about others.

I am thankful, because you told me all those things, showing that you still care about our friendship. Please continue to teach me to become a better person, so that we can become better rounded.

Things that I say when I am angry could also be things that I say just to reason and make myself feel better at the face of losing a precious friend. This is really wrong and I should not do it again. But you have to trust me that I don't mean them, really.

Then, can we put the blame to anger... or that I failed to navigate my emotions well? Still in the cycle of improvement.

Recent events made me think a lot again...

9. Remember the time when I decided to give up on a friend? She came back two days later sharing her problems with me, and I just let my feelings take over me and went to console her again... and we got back together... becoming very very close friends again and re-bounced even closer than before. 'We can get closer and closer, but never too close'.

It didn't last. We quarreled again over the issue of platonic relationships because I am scared of being too close with her. Yes, I am scared and I threw the blame to her, I am wrong... but why? I could blame my past... but this means that I never have learnt from the past, being the old stubborn me again. She thinks platonic relationships is true. Girls can have platonic relationships, guys usually don't. Different genders operate differently. Such a differing opinion can cause one to argue more and find other reasons to unfriend each other. It does sound absurd, because, in the end, all these things doesn't even matter. It is the feelings that you get when people are friends together.

I know somewhere, that, there is this secret thing, something that bonds us together very well. Is it the mutual 'positive aura of influence' or the 'buff' that we give each other in each other's company? I lost this positive influence for a while now, and I do feel less motivated. I couldn't really identify this secret thing, but, it has kept us together no matter how hard I push her away.  I am trusting that this special elastic band is going to do its job again. I trust it.

This person is truly special and different from the others, and I see the strengths in her that few would. She is emotionless (quite) and applies reason and rationality to things as well, just like me... Her capacity for reason and explanation could even surpass mine in many aspects. She could make me understand more things that I have been unable to. Even if she doesn't play a big role in my life, it still feels more right to be her friend. Empathy. People say I care too much about people and is too selfless. I rebutt them saying that they don't understand me well enough.

Emotions carry a lot of useful information. It is up to you to recognize your own pattern, navigate it, and use this information effectively to achieve a positive outcome. -6seconds.org-

This post has been dedicated to you...

Today, I stopped being close to a friend whom I always thought of as a close friend. Although bitter, it is probably for the greater good. I hope this other person handles it well. It is only a matter of incompatibility which I did not realize due to lack of time. It only lasted a year.
Actions speak louder than words. When words are spoken, make sure they convert into action. A pity most of the people do not practice this. With an INTJ close friend, you only have one 'life'. Once the INTJ decides there's no more hope in continuing being a close friend, all is over. As for a note to self: be careful with the people whom you can relate to and be closer friends with, and learn to take people's words less seriously: they probably just say it to make people happy at the moment and won't put it into action anyway.

Single Awareness Day 2015
Happy Valentines' Day to all the happy couples out there. It has been so many years, and every day today, I show up a positive front, hiding all the bitterness within. These kind of feelings should not even been felt if I know that my future plans would not allow me to have a life-partner. Why the bitterness and loneliness.

I know that I have been always too nice to others. I have decided it is time to change that. It doesn't pay to be nice to others. In the end, you will still be lonely, nobody will give you attention and care about you, in fact, you'll be repeatedly helping others and being taken advantaged of. To put it to action, I have written some sentences to myself as a reminder.

Fight for your own rights instead of compromising for others.

You don’t need people to validate that you are nice.

Make them think what’s wrong with them, because you are not wrong.
Do what is right, not do what that makes people happy.

I even brought this out into practice and I made someone angry at me. She forgot about the birthday present she has been looking forward to in the past month. Forgetting this means that she does not really care about it at all. It made me disappointed and upset. I wanted to make her realize this, and make sure she doesn't do this to her other friends. She doesn't want to listen and she feels horrible. Till now, she still is confused and has not figured out what is wrong. I ruined it totally. I feel guilty and worry about her. But, I cannot give way this time. It could be the end of our friendship, but I shall risk it. It is toxic to think about who benefits more, but clearly, she will lose a lot more if we do not talk to each other again. I gain nothing much from her at all. I guess it is fine for me to forget it and move on since I lose nothing other than company. Come to think of it, our friendship is only less than a year.

In a very timely advise I saw from Positive Outlooks blog, I saw the quote: Stop trying to change someone who doesn’t want to change. Stop giving chances to someone who abuses your forgiveness. Stop walking back to the place where your heart ran from. Stop trusting their words and ignoring their actions. Stop breaking your own heart. 

Leadership

With me taking a course on EQ and leadership, I have been getting myself very stressed. Expectations for self are always high, and you always end up not achieving them. It always makes me sad to realize how bad I am dealing with other people. This module has troubled me so much and keeps getting me to think. I hope I really would learn to become better after all of this stress.